The art of Slow Motion Breast Crawling

Expert Slow Motion Breast CrawlerI am a very keen Slow Motion Breast Crawler in Holiday Season times. People have been asking me on several occasions in the recent past, “How do you do it Leendert, just how do you master the art of Slow Motion Breast Crawling?”

And I will then have to say, “I don’t know really, it is a gift. Something that comes naturally.” But then I would be lying of course, the art of Slow Motion Breast Crawling is a matter of practice and you can do it too if you like and make the effort.


So, for the sake of all those of you that might be jealous and want to become an Expert Slow Motion Breast Crawler as well I am now giving you the insights here with this short overview of techniques, aesthetic aspects and other matters of this rare art.



Aesthetics first! It is very important to make a good impression on your spectators, make sure you are looking good, like me. Wear a lot of gold rings that sparkle in the sun, people will be watching the movements of your hands all the time. Basically, it is all about showing off.


Blue water

You cannot Slow Motion Breast Crawl in muddy water, plain water or even the sea, those are unsuitable environments for this type of sports. Remember, Slow Motion Breast Crawling is all about showing off.



You need space! Do not poke other Slow Motion Breast Crawlers in the eye. Even better, make sure you are the only Slow Motion Breast Crawler as you need the attention!



It is impossible to create a spectacular effect with your Slow Motion Breast Crawling when there are no onlookers, it’s just no use.



In order to become an Expert Slow Motion Breast Crawler you must have good strong legs, it is all in the legs when it comes to propelling your body through the water. Like normal breast crawl you use your legs to move and swim. The difference is that in this sport you make gracious circles with your hands in a very slow movement, half a circle above the surface and down and back half a circle under water. Graciously.



It is important to move your head equally graciously from left to right, as you can see in this picture. And -this is very, very, very important- wear a smile. And shades, preferably gold. People will admire you for that when you are Slow Motion Breast Crawling. Also, be sure not to kick up too much water with your feet, elegance is the key word here.



You may too be able to become an Expert Slow Motion Breast Crawler if you follow the directions above. And when you do practice, please tell me your experiences in the comments below. You too could master the art of Slow Motion Breast Crawling. Eventually.


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Leendert van Gemeren

Dit ben ik, Leendert. Ik ben een beetje ouderwets en houd van dingen die geweest zijn, bijvoorbeeld oude Engelse series op TV zoals All Creatures Great And Small, mechanische horloges, bifocale brillen en oude langspeelplaten. Ik houd niet van moderne dingen en werk regelmatig aan een ouderwetse modelspoorbaan. Ik volg Jezus en schrijf mijn gedichten soms ook over Hem maar ik schrijf ook verhalen over het leven. Excentriek. Op feestjes ben ik vaak te vinden in de keuken.

This is me, Leendert. I am a little bit old-fashioned and I love things from the past, old series like All Creatures Great And Small, mechanical wristwatches, bi-focal glasses and vinyl records for example. I am not keen on modern things and I often work on this old style model railway. I follow Jesus and sometimes write a poem about Him but I also write about my life. Eccentric. You can often find me in the kitchen at parties.
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