Fear

In my own words.

It is very difficult to explain the feeling of intense fear of death to others when you are right in the middle of this Corona crisis and left with virtually no protection against the virus.

Having no functioning immune system has been manageable over the last 10 years until now but even the regular infusions of Nanogam will not protect me against the powerful pathogene that is slowly creeping towards me according to the numbers and locations in the news.

If fear were in the form of sound I would experience deafening screaming. The fight against it is in my own head however and thus inaudible for others. I have pain in my guts, my throat seems to be squeezed tightly by invisible hands and when it attacks me I cannot breathe.

When you are a healthy person you may experience reassuring boldness when you say to yourself, we got this, I am stronger than ‘it’ and we just have to stay indoors for a while until this blows over. But in my case even the -what should have been a safe- environment of my own house does not protect me from the threat of death and the preceding suffering and agony of the illness.

Yes I am scared and not afraid to admit it and it’s taking away my sleep from me. I am even afraid to kiss my wife or hold her hand just in case she picked up that dreadful Corona virus in a shop. It’s lonely and it will be even lonelier if I get the virus and, well, you know what happens then.

Please pray that I don’t get it. Please pray that this maddening fear may go away.

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Leendert van Gemeren

Dit ben ik, Leendert. Ik ben een beetje ouderwets en houd van dingen die geweest zijn, bijvoorbeeld oude Engelse series op TV zoals All Creatures Great And Small, mechanische horloges, bifocale brillen en oude langspeelplaten. Ik houd niet van moderne dingen en werk regelmatig aan een ouderwetse modelspoorbaan. Ik volg Jezus en schrijf mijn gedichten soms ook over Hem maar ik schrijf ook verhalen over het leven. Excentriek. Op feestjes ben ik vaak te vinden in de keuken.


This is me, Leendert. I am a little bit old-fashioned and I love things from the past, old series like All Creatures Great And Small, mechanical wristwatches, bi-focal glasses and vinyl records for example. I am not keen on modern things and I often work on this old style model railway. I follow Jesus and sometimes write a poem about Him but I also write about my life. Eccentric. You can often find me in the kitchen at parties.